Monday, October 24, 2011

Change

There are moments in my life when change scares me and sometimes when I crave it.
Today coming home from my parent's new home off the mountain was one of the latter. I just felt such a dread thinking of driving these mountain roads...and then pulling up my street which has tons of construction being done to it. I practically need four wheel drive just to get up it right now...or maybe the fact that our home which was supposed to be a flip never was and there are so many things we want to do but just can't since the market is too low. And not that I often find myself being jealous of others but I did when I walked in the door to my house and just wanted to have everything perfect. Most of us know that the charm of mountain living also means that things need work. I hate that I am a perfectionist.
I actually found myself with tears as I drove up the mountain thinking that if I had an errand to run I can't just hop in my car and find myself conveniently there. Or how the very thing I love about going to the grocery store and running into everyone I know is also the thing I hate. (I can't just throw anything on and go) Or that I would love a vehicle lower to the ground that I can get Eli in and out of but I need this huge truck in the winter. Or that the seasons, as gorgeous as they are, never last long enough...well, the ones I enjoy.
And I shouldn't feel alone since at this time in my life I am not lacking friends at all. I always have someone seeking to hang out and have play dates with...but I do feel alone. I've always had my mom so close and I would just drive (sometimes in my jammies) to her house and throw myself on her couch. It isn't really far, but the gas is expensive for me and it is a lot to drive down and back in one day.
This move was the best thing ever for them. The house is AMAZING and there is just a sense of relaxation about them now...
And as I drove up the mountain I didn't go the usual speed I do...it was like 20 below the speed limit I was so anxious to get here (sarcasm)---every turn was depressing.
Until
I got to the top and saw the most amazing sunset over the valley. The trees had some gorgeous leaves showing and the sun was just at its best gleaming through them. The air had a gentle crispness to it and there was a quiet not like down the mountain. As much as I was dreading it, it had a feeling of home, a familiarity that city living can't offer.
I also felt distinctly that home is where ever those you love are. It's not that I want to live off the mountain...I just miss my family not being right here.
Sometimes change is a hard thing to accept.

3 comments:

  1. ...i HATE having family so far away. you'll never get used to it, but it does instill a sense of individualism and self worth that you can't find with them next to you. fortunately, life makes us grow, even if it's tough. so glad you can appreciate the beauty and friends youre surrounded with each day!

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  2. i kind of know how you feel, even though i'm only about 40 minutes from my family and friends. i feel alone way over here in hesperia, too, and hate having to drive up the mtn or down into san bernardino. my parents are going to move to colorado when my mom retires so i am absolutely dreading that. :[ it's gonna break my heart to have them so far away and i will miss the 40 minute drive to them ! i agree, change is HARD ! :[ maybe it's the weather that is also making you feel kind of down. while i love cooler weather, it can make me feel bad on occasion, too.

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  3. This post made me a little sad thinking of how far away I seem from you now, even though it's less than an hour away. I say this with a smile on my face as you sit just a few feet away from me, flopped on my couch in your jammies with coffee in hand...hahaha....I love you<3

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