Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A prayer

I was going to blog about my weekend and how much fun/how crazy it was but it just doesn't seem right to think about what's going on in my life at a time like this.

On October 7, my friend Victoria had her baby, Jaxson Levi...10 days early..not really early. Blissful. Until they realized that he wasn't taking in oxygen the way he should. He was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension of the Lungs. They moved him to Loma Linda where they started meds and kept him on oxygen so that he could survive. They found two holes in his heart and a bad valve. Completely life threatening. So a surgery was scheduled to repair his heart and give him the life he deserved. On Monday his surgery was scheduled and friends and family were invited to the hospital to pray. I spent the night at my moms house so I could have an easier drive there (she lives down the mountain now) and then got up really early and prayed with the family right as they took him into surgery. Victoria's mom explained that the Dr. was the best that could do the surgery and that in these cases they usually only see a hole or a bad valve, not both. We were hopeful and anticipating his safe recovery in about 6-10 hours. I went home shortly after the prayer while the family waited. And then I stalked her Facebook page to see if everything went alright. There was no word. That's when I felt a gut feeling that something was not right. To my horror she posted the next day that he had passed away after complications. How my heart breaks! How I just wish that it wasn't so!
When you are a parent you can't imagine losing a child. It is the worst thought in the world. We do EVERYTHING to keep them alive and sustain them. But things are just not in our power. Are they in God's? He is a loving God, a giving God. IS he also a God that takes away? Yes, he is. But I keep telling myself to trust Him and know that Jaxson had a purpose better suited in heaven. For those who read this post please take a moment to say a prayer for the family who is no doubt in terrible anguish...pray for comfort, pray for peace..just pray. We cannot just trust God when things are going our way...but also when things are not. I know that these questions will someday be answered and that He has an infinite purpose for us all even if we can't see that now.
Before I had Eli, I prayed for a baby. I wanted to be a mommy. It consumed me. Justin and I conceived and were elated. But thirteen short weeks later we grieved the loss. I can remember my family coming in to see me in the hospital. I wanted to curl into a ball and hide. WHY was everyone there? They couldn't comfort me! And God, well, I wanted nothing to do with him. I laid in bed and cried for days...maybe weeks! As time went on , I found comfort in Justin and long walks....I started to ask God questions. It never seemed like he was answering me. I even called a church leader once to ask him to tell me why God had taken this baby from me. He said everything, everyone has a purpose. I didn't understand that until almost three years later when I had Eli. He made all the hurt disappear. I sort of began to understand that God had planned for me to have Eli instead. I wouldn't trade him. I hope that in this tragedy there is a greater plan for this family that we can't see now...but will later.


  1. i can't imagine the heartache. my family's prayers go out to them.

  2. it reminds me of Liz, gosh ive lost a cpl babies in the womb, those were painful, mentally and physically enough, but 2 have delieved and held that baby and known its face and feet, i cant even imagine her pain..ugh we will never understand loss, will we?! and so we hear there is a plan 4 everything but its not 2 our understanding..in reality its just not fair! life is NOT fair..But my prayers r with the family <3

  3. Thank you, that's what they need. I can't begin to imagine their pain. It's unbearable.


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