I've been sort of procrastinating this post because I was waiting to have time to add beautiful photos to it (everyone likes them, right?!)...but as motherhood would have it, I just don't have time.
So, maybe I'll just write a little bit of what it's like...whether anyone reads this, (I will later), I love memories and if I could bottle them all up to look and enjoy them later I would.
A blog is sort of like a bottle.
So everyone says two is hard..or easier, depending on who you ask. So far, I would say both in different ways. I'm definitely surprising myself in some ways and feeling defeated in others. But every day is a new day for triumphing the disappointing parts.
Owen is a fantastic baby. Like I am not even sure some days if he is a newborn. From pretty much the first night in the hospital he has slept through the night. When the nurses said to wake him to feed I didn't think I would really have to...because Eli had woken himself up every two hours to eat, I figured it would be the same the second time around. Nursing has been a breeze too. He doesn't nurse me all day long, but when he does, I thoroughly enjoy the time we have. He eats, sleeps, poops and when he is awake just looks around with the sweetest little expression. I don't have to hold him constantly, although I don't mind it at all if I do. He allows me to shower and get ready in the mornings without making a fuss...and I don't rush! Like whoa, right?! As long as his needs are met, he is happy. I just love him and ooh and aah over him all day.
So what's the hard part, right? The hard part is making sure I am still enough for Eli. He wants to be in my arms and at night still wants to sneak in our room. He has settled for making a bed with his pillow and blankie at the edge of my feet, but the fact that he can't just wriggle his way in sort of makes my heart hurt. Like in a way his spot was replaced. I hope he doesn't think of it that way, and we do a lot to reassure him. The past week he has completely stayed in his bed, but wants me to read and cuddle him a long while and the hard part is that Owen loves bed time. He needs me at the same time Eli does for bed time and I feel this tug o war. My hubby has been helping with Eli in the evenings, doing teeth and sometimes bath time..and tucking him in. I snuck down to his room last night after he had fallen asleep only to realize he had wet tears still on his face from crying. I picked his body up into my arms which felt so huge compared to Owen's tiny body...and just held him.
Why is it at the end of the day, when kids are asleep that is when the guilt sets in and I am left wondering how I could have done it better?
There's been some phone parenting to get through the times when I have to feed Owen and can't entertain Eli...and that has its own guilt to it. I try to counteract the lack of hands I have with distracting him with movies and my phone, but it just makes me feel like an awful parent sometimes. This is a phase that will pass and soon I will be able to go and do more things with ease (right now I don't)...but I am just so used to doing it all that not being able to has been a little hard.
I've ventured out a few times to the store and once for a Dr. appt for Owen. I patted myself on the back that the day ended and no one was in tears. It actually went pretty well. I have learned to carry Owen in the Moby when I go places so I have a free hand for Eli. I get Eli in his seat first because he can't be trusted not to run away and then I get Owen in his seat. The first few times I went anywhere I kept stopping to check Owen's breathing and it took me forever to get anywhere. Now I am a little bit more relaxed and am getting better and better each time we go somewhere. We still need a double stroller so I haven't attempted shopping for post baby body clothes..that will be the real test!
We hired a housekeeper once a week to help take that stress off me so I could focus more on being a mom...but there's still laundry and meals and those take up a good portion of the day when I have time for them between feedings. I have relaxed a lot with how clean and tidy things need to be, but then have a day where I pull it all back together. I know how fast things go, so I have spent more of my time staring into cute new eyes and coercing smiles.
Somehow before you have kids you envision it will look like lots of activities, a pulled together house all cutely decorated, baked goods fresh from the oven and etc, etc.
What does it look like for me? Sweat pants, a messy bun, a house mostly clean but definitely not perfect, kids in jammies far too long in the day, a to do list that may or may not get done and me curled up on the couch feeding a baby most of the day!
It's pretty perfect though. Because I know this won't last.
A few cell phone pictures...all I have time for lately!
|Eli likes to help a lot, so sometimes I pump so he can feed him.|